I want out
by hellotohangup
Summary: Some thoughts from faith whilst she is in jail.


Rating: G  
Spoilers: Not really, anything including Sanctuary, faith's in Jail. Authors note: Faith POV  
Disclaimer: I don't own her, she belongs to Joss and co and she belongs to Eliza, I'm just borrowing her.

One to darkness, one to light, One shines in the day, one belongs to the night. Sister night, she soothes me, whispering my name in the wind and the trees. She beckons me; she asks that I return, that I take back what is mine. She calls to me seductively, come on live, embrace your true essence, wake up and breathe again. Live once more.

There is a point in time, a definite point where you know the truth. You know that all you will ever be is second best, and in that moment you realise that it will never be enough. Nothing you do will ever matter enough because to others, it is you who matter just that little bit less. And even if it is just in your mind, just in your imagination, the culmination of your negative thoughts will be enough to ruin you.

When I first set foot in my dingy little cell, I was at peace or so I thought. I thought I had made right choice for what may have been the very first time in my life. But as time went on I realised more and more just how wrecked I was. When I wasn't playing second fiddle I was alone. I could be alone in a room full of people. No one knew me, no one even got close and no one understood me, they didn't want to, didn't know how to. Second best is still something. It means you matter just that little bit more than someone who no one cares for at all. The person who can't play second fiddle, the person who needs the acceptance and approval of others to survive, that is the person who is truly alone. In here I was alone, as alone as I have ever been and I couldn't change that even if I wanted, because it would literally be the death of me. My life on the outside, my calling, that was something I couldn't share with anyone here and I couldn't use it to my advantage however much I wanted to. Saying goodbye to loneliness could mean that I was screwing up my one chance at making things right and I couldn't risk that, not if I was to keep my sanity. Getting close to people sometimes meant being hurt but getting close to the wrong people meant only one thing, trouble. Being in here has been the hardest thing I've ever done. In the outside world I missed all kinds of things, all the things that I never had, all the things that others had. But I guess I never felt like I had much myself. I took for granted what little I did have, what I enjoyed.

I dream of the outside world a lot in here, in my dreams I am free. The night air is crisp, the cold wind stings my face as I am running down the dirty streets, through the alleyways and the dark cemeteries, adrenaline running through my body, pumped for the thrill of the chase, pumped to stake some vamps with energy never matched in the harsh light of day.  
My whole body is a tingle, the anticipation of something happening, just the thought that some vamp or demon might jump out ready for a fight is electrifying. I'm exhilarated, ready to fight. I miss everything, I miss everything in here and I pray for the day that I can leave. Even if that day never comes, even if I am struggling every day clinging to some false hope that one day society will greet me with open arms and someone will tell me it's good that I am back, that it wasn't all for nothing, that my being inside meant something. I have to believe that I made the right decision, because if I didn't then none of this matters. I am still just playing second best, being the dutiful sister who takes the fall, the one who exposed life's seedy underbelly to the world and who had to pay dearly. The one who couldn't find love, couldn't accept love, because she couldn't love herself. I don't want to be that person anymore. That person has become too familiar and she has brought me nothing but pain.  
I want to walk out that gate and I want to embrace the cold landscape and the sun as it starts to appear in the sky; I want the cool night to warm my heart like a fire. I belong outside, I have a destiny to fulfil and it starts from the moment I am released from this confinement, this cage of my own making. I don't want the cold reality be something that I can't handle ever again. I want my life to be a hot flame without the harsh burn that comes after you lay your palm to it. I want to be free once more and I finally want to take responsibility for my life. I want to enjoy what I have instead of this never-ending bitterness at what I have lost, what wrongs have befallen me, what horrible things have happened. I want to stop running from my problems. I want let people in and not wait, ready to flinch and retreat because they've hurt me once more. I want to find family, family in friendship. But mostly I just want to get out and fight some vamps, I want to wake up from this never-ending dream where the same thing happens day after day but nothing of any importance occurs. I want to live and breathe for real and I want to be wearing the white hat for once. I wish that my nightmares were just that and my beautiful dreams would come to pass. I WANT OUT. 


End file.
